Want to win in sports? Steroids sure dont hurt and shaving points has its advantages, but here at Hot Stove, we are fairly certain we found the most legitimate and accurate method for translating last second failures into heart fluttering success. No, we havent reinvented the Whizzinator...were talking about BEARDS. You want to win in pro sports, you need to let that peach fuzz grow, embrace the unkempt look, and work it well.
Not buying it? Lets see who lets the beard grow out in sports these days: Ben Roethlisberger (Hides his F'ed up grill AND wins him championships), every playoff hockey competitor (its a rite of passage...unless your name is Sidney Crosby, if your Sidney I guess you can bypass this), Evander Holyfield (well at least hes still fighting...), Tim Duncan, Rip Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Tiger Woods (hes got stubble, HES GOT STUBBLE), Roger Clemens...the list goes on and on, it stretches back to the days of Abe Lincoln and his cock fighting adventures. Legend has it a young girl told Abe to grow out that beard, but in all truth, it was clearly done for athletic advantages. Slimy Pete McKenzie, a real cockfighting ace in his day, told a young Abe that the only way hed get his cocks to fight to the death was to sport the beard he is now famous for. It later turned out McKenzie was suffering from Shingles and 100% wrong, but the beard lived on. Hell, even women have taken to this superstition. Billie Jean King, the womens basketball team from Tennesee, and the US Ladies soccer squad have all taken to letting the stubble come out. Whatever it takes, right.
Now if you still need more evidence, just think of all the men who never won a championship. Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Charles Barkley, Barbaro (well he won, but in the long run he lost), A-Rod, Sidney Crosby, Kevin Garnett(ok hes got something going on their, but it looks more in the lines of pubic hair than facial hair), Don Nelson....ok you got the point by now.
Bottom line, throw out the razor and unleash the unkempt, the rings will come soon after.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
NFL Mock Draft: Movie Star Addition
Lets Pretend these teams were drafting movie or music stars instead of NFL players. Wouldnt that just be zAnY and HILL-A-RIOUS?!?!?!? Ok, so its not all that interesting, but what the fuck, I might toss out Jenna Jamesons name on here, so thatll be worth something.
Plus, this isnt just some tossed together piece of crap we use as filler, we actually match teams up with the star we feel could most benefit them as a fan...or in some cases a player (that would mean you Detroit).
1.Oakland- Lindsey Lohan- I mean...cmon....was there ever a doubt. Unless they trade this pic down, grab Hillary Duff and bank on her becoming the next Lohan in a year or two. Davis would throw some money her way for "a good tit job" and the results would be either amazing or devastating. Weve seen what happened to the other Duff girl....bark bark.
2.Detroit- Michael Irvin- Well, The Longest Yard was a movie...i guess. Millen apparently caught a glimpse of what this guy could do at WR and knew he had to get a taste. The fans in Detroit will be following the other 3 teams bask in success so this pick shouldnt be as big a deal as you would expect.
3. Cleveland- Vin Diesel- Savage mistakes Diesel for a clone of Kellen Winslow and says "Lets Do This!" with great enthusiasm. He is shocked when he discovers Diesel is a.)not XXX, b.) Not Winslows clone, and c.)part white....oh, woe is cleveland.
4. Tampa Bay- Chris Simms demands they pick up Lance Bass or that Davis guy from Real World. Simeon Rice looks on in grave disgust. Grudens visor cant even hide his concern.
5. Arizona- Paris Hilton- This would be realllly fun for Matt Leinart. Reallly. Also, Hilton would be at best in heat, and I think this might be a bit cliche, but what does Hiltons cooch, the Arizona Landscape, and this Cardinals team all have in common? They resemble a burnt out desert. Ohhhh yeah.
6.Washington- Dont say Tom Cruise, Dont say Tom Cruise....damnit, they take Tom Cruise. I mean c'mon, theirs nothing funny about this, the Redskins likely WILL field Cruise sometime this year, and the worst part is the guys going to demand he play on platform cleats.
7. Minnesota- There is absolutely no celebrity willing to go to Minnesota. I mean...none. Jessie Ventura lost his novelty long ago. Minnesota will attempt to draft that kid from Malcom in the Middle but who knows, Brad Johnson may have a problem with that...
8. Atlanta- Since Lil Johns taken to hockey recently, I imagine the next biggest celebrity willing to embrace the ATL would be...Gwenyth Paltrow! Get it Girl! This is what happens when you name your children after fruit, diss the country you are born and raised in, and begin to think your shit actually doesent smell one bit. You get drafted by ATL, and become Ron Mexicos favirote companion. You get to watch Quasim...I mean Keith Brooking carry things on his hunch...I mean back. Yes, come to ATL Gwenyth, and let the juicy girl out!
9.Miami- This team needs a quarterback and dont you know it, Dennis Quaid was one hell of a quarterback in that Any Given Sunday movie...and wait...NOO....he quarterbacked a team from Miami. Yes, Jamie Foxx played nearly the same role...but I think the Dolphins have decided this whole "Black Quarterback thing" was just a phase thatll pass....right??
10. Houston- Houston lacks any motivation, any confidence, and anything to gel this team together. Well ladd-e fucking da, lets bring over that prick Ty Pennington. I bet he could build this team quite a franchise with his harmless homosexual assitant, obnoxious dick for a friend, and future skinimax queen crew member. Man, thatd be fun as hell to watch. Maybe they could build Mario Williams some confidence in the meantime.
11.San Fran- Ok, we all know they wanted to embrace culture and diversity, so they draft Rosie O Donnell. What we dont realize, is that Rosie is also a tenacious SOB on the O-Line and that she has actually fucking killed people before, REAL people. HUGE steal by Nolan.
12. Buffal0- Im not going to lie. Im a Buffalo native. I love the Sabres, loveD the Bills, and still find some umbrage in the fact Marv Levy manages to continue working with the team. That being said, I am pretty certain he and Ralph Wilson are going to pick up that young buck "Ronnie Reagan" whom they witnessed at the local cineplex back in '42. Says Levy, "This kid looked pretty great as the Gipper, white running backs are the wave of the future!"
13. St. Louis- They take Nelly...because...well hes like the only famous person from there and hes going to make one hell of a 1-2 punch with Stephen Jackson..expecially if he goes out their barefoot.
14. Carolina- They take Kirk Cameron. A good Christian man who wont threaten this city of former Slaveholders. Cameron, unfortunately, brings with him the Apocaplypse his movies had foretold and in real life cannot do half the things he appeared capable in that movie.
15. Pittsburgh- We all know they want an unattractive, hard nosed player. But what do they NEED?? They need a friggin stunt double for Roethlsberger. So bring in Kurt Russell. After seeing what he could do in Grindhouse, hes got to be able to take a few motorcyle spills.
16. Green Bay- Clay Aiken...they merely do this to pretend they have found an heir to Favres throne. As expected, Favre throws a pass that hits Aiken during warmups. Aiken attempts to walk away but is surrounded by a circle of creepy Dairy farmers. He wakes up in a basement of some farm in the rural Wisconsin area. "Why am in a basement...Aaron Rodgers?!?!? Is that the body of Aaron Rodgers?!!?" "Shutup boy, and put the lotion on the skin."
17. Jacksonville- Well...they thought they had a pretty good team but that was proven wrong in the playoffs pretty rapidly. Thus, lets just settle this and give them Tonya from the Real World. A sleazy city deserves a sleazy star. Fair enough.
OK, thats it for right now, ill finish tonight, tommorow, or next February.
Plus, this isnt just some tossed together piece of crap we use as filler, we actually match teams up with the star we feel could most benefit them as a fan...or in some cases a player (that would mean you Detroit).
1.Oakland- Lindsey Lohan- I mean...cmon....was there ever a doubt. Unless they trade this pic down, grab Hillary Duff and bank on her becoming the next Lohan in a year or two. Davis would throw some money her way for "a good tit job" and the results would be either amazing or devastating. Weve seen what happened to the other Duff girl....bark bark.
2.Detroit- Michael Irvin- Well, The Longest Yard was a movie...i guess. Millen apparently caught a glimpse of what this guy could do at WR and knew he had to get a taste. The fans in Detroit will be following the other 3 teams bask in success so this pick shouldnt be as big a deal as you would expect.
3. Cleveland- Vin Diesel- Savage mistakes Diesel for a clone of Kellen Winslow and says "Lets Do This!" with great enthusiasm. He is shocked when he discovers Diesel is a.)not XXX, b.) Not Winslows clone, and c.)part white....oh, woe is cleveland.
4. Tampa Bay- Chris Simms demands they pick up Lance Bass or that Davis guy from Real World. Simeon Rice looks on in grave disgust. Grudens visor cant even hide his concern.
5. Arizona- Paris Hilton- This would be realllly fun for Matt Leinart. Reallly. Also, Hilton would be at best in heat, and I think this might be a bit cliche, but what does Hiltons cooch, the Arizona Landscape, and this Cardinals team all have in common? They resemble a burnt out desert. Ohhhh yeah.
6.Washington- Dont say Tom Cruise, Dont say Tom Cruise....damnit, they take Tom Cruise. I mean c'mon, theirs nothing funny about this, the Redskins likely WILL field Cruise sometime this year, and the worst part is the guys going to demand he play on platform cleats.
7. Minnesota- There is absolutely no celebrity willing to go to Minnesota. I mean...none. Jessie Ventura lost his novelty long ago. Minnesota will attempt to draft that kid from Malcom in the Middle but who knows, Brad Johnson may have a problem with that...
8. Atlanta- Since Lil Johns taken to hockey recently, I imagine the next biggest celebrity willing to embrace the ATL would be...Gwenyth Paltrow! Get it Girl! This is what happens when you name your children after fruit, diss the country you are born and raised in, and begin to think your shit actually doesent smell one bit. You get drafted by ATL, and become Ron Mexicos favirote companion. You get to watch Quasim...I mean Keith Brooking carry things on his hunch...I mean back. Yes, come to ATL Gwenyth, and let the juicy girl out!
9.Miami- This team needs a quarterback and dont you know it, Dennis Quaid was one hell of a quarterback in that Any Given Sunday movie...and wait...NOO....he quarterbacked a team from Miami. Yes, Jamie Foxx played nearly the same role...but I think the Dolphins have decided this whole "Black Quarterback thing" was just a phase thatll pass....right??
10. Houston- Houston lacks any motivation, any confidence, and anything to gel this team together. Well ladd-e fucking da, lets bring over that prick Ty Pennington. I bet he could build this team quite a franchise with his harmless homosexual assitant, obnoxious dick for a friend, and future skinimax queen crew member. Man, thatd be fun as hell to watch. Maybe they could build Mario Williams some confidence in the meantime.
11.San Fran- Ok, we all know they wanted to embrace culture and diversity, so they draft Rosie O Donnell. What we dont realize, is that Rosie is also a tenacious SOB on the O-Line and that she has actually fucking killed people before, REAL people. HUGE steal by Nolan.
12. Buffal0- Im not going to lie. Im a Buffalo native. I love the Sabres, loveD the Bills, and still find some umbrage in the fact Marv Levy manages to continue working with the team. That being said, I am pretty certain he and Ralph Wilson are going to pick up that young buck "Ronnie Reagan" whom they witnessed at the local cineplex back in '42. Says Levy, "This kid looked pretty great as the Gipper, white running backs are the wave of the future!"
13. St. Louis- They take Nelly...because...well hes like the only famous person from there and hes going to make one hell of a 1-2 punch with Stephen Jackson..expecially if he goes out their barefoot.
14. Carolina- They take Kirk Cameron. A good Christian man who wont threaten this city of former Slaveholders. Cameron, unfortunately, brings with him the Apocaplypse his movies had foretold and in real life cannot do half the things he appeared capable in that movie.
15. Pittsburgh- We all know they want an unattractive, hard nosed player. But what do they NEED?? They need a friggin stunt double for Roethlsberger. So bring in Kurt Russell. After seeing what he could do in Grindhouse, hes got to be able to take a few motorcyle spills.
16. Green Bay- Clay Aiken...they merely do this to pretend they have found an heir to Favres throne. As expected, Favre throws a pass that hits Aiken during warmups. Aiken attempts to walk away but is surrounded by a circle of creepy Dairy farmers. He wakes up in a basement of some farm in the rural Wisconsin area. "Why am in a basement...Aaron Rodgers?!?!? Is that the body of Aaron Rodgers?!!?" "Shutup boy, and put the lotion on the skin."
17. Jacksonville- Well...they thought they had a pretty good team but that was proven wrong in the playoffs pretty rapidly. Thus, lets just settle this and give them Tonya from the Real World. A sleazy city deserves a sleazy star. Fair enough.
OK, thats it for right now, ill finish tonight, tommorow, or next February.
Hey! I Bet You Want to Read My Thoughts on the NBA Playoffs! Of Course You Do! Please?? CMON, Im Begging You!
So, I wanted to give the thoughts we here at Hot Stove have on the NBA Playoffs even though I am sure all 8 people who visit this site have read 15 other NBA previews by guys who think theyre cool and smart and better than us. Well they are better than us, they are cooler than us, and I think its obvious they are smarter than us. But hey what the hell, if your drinking or sniffing paint fumes this might be a bit interesting!
So heres our thoughts: THEY SUCK, WATCH THE NHL INSTEAD
OK, folks, thats actually about it...
So heres our thoughts: THEY SUCK, WATCH THE NHL INSTEAD
OK, folks, thats actually about it...
Speaking of Notre Dame Quarterbacks
If I were a gambling man (and wait, im not Bill Simmons, I AM a gambling man) I would be seriously considering looking into the upcoming season for Jimmy Clausen. The butterfaced wigger from "MediocreQuarterbacksVille, USA" comes from a pretty subpar pedigree (his brother started for the great Tennesee team yet couldnt even get drafted or make it to the NFL...and thats about it for the pedigree actually), carries more hair gel on his head than Mel Kiper does mousse, and seems to think he is something special. The upcoming freshman recently held a press conference where he publicly announced he would go to Notre Dame, all the while flashing his state championship rings as if they were going to impress me. Didnt Work Jimmy. So, as a result of these observations, I am going to place any money I have (which is actually very very very little...like less than Jimmy Clausen is going to have 6 years from now) on Clausen both a.)sucking ass and b.)suffering a career ending injury at the hands of a guy named Lamar who grew up in Harlem and held his "press conference" at a local roller rink.
I'm a half polish, chain smoking, semi alcoholic 18 year old and I am pretty certain I could beat the crap out of Clausen, so whats stopping Lamar? Ill tell you whats stopping him, NOTHING.
I'm a half polish, chain smoking, semi alcoholic 18 year old and I am pretty certain I could beat the crap out of Clausen, so whats stopping Lamar? Ill tell you whats stopping him, NOTHING.
Brady Quinn Expose: "I Smoked a Camel Light...and I'm Filled With Regrets!"
As the news came out today that Calvin Johnson and two other NFL prospects in the 07 draft have admitted to using Marijuanna while at college, we here at the Hot Stove were both schocked and appalled. This is almost as bad as that incident last year when JJ Reddick stepped into a car while intoxicated. What were these athletes thinking?!?! Using an illegal substance while at college...POOR DECISION MAKING young men! But the real shocker came out later today, when Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn revealed that he too had engaged in some shady dealing while in college. Apparently, Quinn is planning to make a Press Conference tonight and admit to having smoked, and possibly inhaled, a Camel Light. What a piece of shit! Brady, say it aint so. We expect Calvin Johnson and his mortal friends to do these things but you?? I hope that camel Light was awfully good.
Quinn, while wiping back tears and flexing his god-like biceps, confessed that after an intense 5 hour one on one practice witih coach Charlie Wies, he was offered a cigarette by the man many consider to be his greatest mentor. "I just wiped back the tears, took a puff, and forgot for a moment where I was." Quinn has since decided that this puff was the "biggest mistake of my life" and that he would beat the living shit out of Joe Camel or anyone resembling him. Careful Nicole Richie, this guys got his eye on you!
Quinn, while wiping back tears and flexing his god-like biceps, confessed that after an intense 5 hour one on one practice witih coach Charlie Wies, he was offered a cigarette by the man many consider to be his greatest mentor. "I just wiped back the tears, took a puff, and forgot for a moment where I was." Quinn has since decided that this puff was the "biggest mistake of my life" and that he would beat the living shit out of Joe Camel or anyone resembling him. Careful Nicole Richie, this guys got his eye on you!
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