NFL Mock Draft: Movie Star Addition

Lets Pretend these teams were drafting movie or music stars instead of NFL players. Wouldnt that just be zAnY and HILL-A-RIOUS?!?!?!? Ok, so its not all that interesting, but what the fuck, I might toss out Jenna Jamesons name on here, so thatll be worth something.

Plus, this isnt just some tossed together piece of crap we use as filler, we actually match teams up with the star we feel could most benefit them as a fan...or in some cases a player (that would mean you Detroit).

1.Oakland- Lindsey Lohan- I mean...cmon....was there ever a doubt. Unless they trade this pic down, grab Hillary Duff and bank on her becoming the next Lohan in a year or two. Davis would throw some money her way for "a good tit job" and the results would be either amazing or devastating. Weve seen what happened to the other Duff girl....bark bark.

2.Detroit- Michael Irvin- Well, The Longest Yard was a movie...i guess. Millen apparently caught a glimpse of what this guy could do at WR and knew he had to get a taste. The fans in Detroit will be following the other 3 teams bask in success so this pick shouldnt be as big a deal as you would expect.

3. Cleveland- Vin Diesel- Savage mistakes Diesel for a clone of Kellen Winslow and says "Lets Do This!" with great enthusiasm. He is shocked when he discovers Diesel is a.)not XXX, b.) Not Winslows clone, and c.)part white....oh, woe is cleveland.

4. Tampa Bay- Chris Simms demands they pick up Lance Bass or that Davis guy from Real World. Simeon Rice looks on in grave disgust. Grudens visor cant even hide his concern.

5. Arizona- Paris Hilton- This would be realllly fun for Matt Leinart. Reallly. Also, Hilton would be at best in heat, and I think this might be a bit cliche, but what does Hiltons cooch, the Arizona Landscape, and this Cardinals team all have in common? They resemble a burnt out desert. Ohhhh yeah.

6.Washington- Dont say Tom Cruise, Dont say Tom Cruise....damnit, they take Tom Cruise. I mean c'mon, theirs nothing funny about this, the Redskins likely WILL field Cruise sometime this year, and the worst part is the guys going to demand he play on platform cleats.

7. Minnesota- There is absolutely no celebrity willing to go to Minnesota. I mean...none. Jessie Ventura lost his novelty long ago. Minnesota will attempt to draft that kid from Malcom in the Middle but who knows, Brad Johnson may have a problem with that...

8. Atlanta- Since Lil Johns taken to hockey recently, I imagine the next biggest celebrity willing to embrace the ATL would be...Gwenyth Paltrow! Get it Girl! This is what happens when you name your children after fruit, diss the country you are born and raised in, and begin to think your shit actually doesent smell one bit. You get drafted by ATL, and become Ron Mexicos favirote companion. You get to watch Quasim...I mean Keith Brooking carry things on his hunch...I mean back. Yes, come to ATL Gwenyth, and let the juicy girl out!

9.Miami- This team needs a quarterback and dont you know it, Dennis Quaid was one hell of a quarterback in that Any Given Sunday movie...and wait...NOO....he quarterbacked a team from Miami. Yes, Jamie Foxx played nearly the same role...but I think the Dolphins have decided this whole "Black Quarterback thing" was just a phase thatll pass....right??

10. Houston- Houston lacks any motivation, any confidence, and anything to gel this team together. Well ladd-e fucking da, lets bring over that prick Ty Pennington. I bet he could build this team quite a franchise with his harmless homosexual assitant, obnoxious dick for a friend, and future skinimax queen crew member. Man, thatd be fun as hell to watch. Maybe they could build Mario Williams some confidence in the meantime.

11.San Fran- Ok, we all know they wanted to embrace culture and diversity, so they draft Rosie O Donnell. What we dont realize, is that Rosie is also a tenacious SOB on the O-Line and that she has actually fucking killed people before, REAL people. HUGE steal by Nolan.

12. Buffal0- Im not going to lie. Im a Buffalo native. I love the Sabres, loveD the Bills, and still find some umbrage in the fact Marv Levy manages to continue working with the team. That being said, I am pretty certain he and Ralph Wilson are going to pick up that young buck "Ronnie Reagan" whom they witnessed at the local cineplex back in '42. Says Levy, "This kid looked pretty great as the Gipper, white running backs are the wave of the future!"

13. St. Louis- They take Nelly...because...well hes like the only famous person from there and hes going to make one hell of a 1-2 punch with Stephen Jackson..expecially if he goes out their barefoot.

14. Carolina- They take Kirk Cameron. A good Christian man who wont threaten this city of former Slaveholders. Cameron, unfortunately, brings with him the Apocaplypse his movies had foretold and in real life cannot do half the things he appeared capable in that movie.

15. Pittsburgh- We all know they want an unattractive, hard nosed player. But what do they NEED?? They need a friggin stunt double for Roethlsberger. So bring in Kurt Russell. After seeing what he could do in Grindhouse, hes got to be able to take a few motorcyle spills.

16. Green Bay- Clay Aiken...they merely do this to pretend they have found an heir to Favres throne. As expected, Favre throws a pass that hits Aiken during warmups. Aiken attempts to walk away but is surrounded by a circle of creepy Dairy farmers. He wakes up in a basement of some farm in the rural Wisconsin area. "Why am in a basement...Aaron Rodgers?!?!? Is that the body of Aaron Rodgers?!!?" "Shutup boy, and put the lotion on the skin."

17. Jacksonville- Well...they thought they had a pretty good team but that was proven wrong in the playoffs pretty rapidly. Thus, lets just settle this and give them Tonya from the Real World. A sleazy city deserves a sleazy star. Fair enough.


OK, thats it for right now, ill finish tonight, tommorow, or next February.