Excuse me if I sound crazy...but is no one else stunned by the recent allegations against Andy Reid? 6 months ago I thought he was your typical fat guy with a mustasche. He probably ate sausage, drank beer, beat his wife and kids, and helped his arthritic brother Harry out when he moved last month. God bless his heart.
Or wait...maybe not. Apparently, Andy Reid is not your typical fat guy with a mustasche. Sadly, Andy is much more than that. He has two kids who never got the beating I always fantasized he would deal them, he has drugs stashed everywhere in his house, and worst of all, hes a MORMON. What the hell is a Mormon anyways. Apparently, if I was to ask Andy, he would say someone who likes his drugs hard, his women harder, and his team crappy. Maybe I will vote for Romney....
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Pass the Rock Martina
Martina Hingis DID NOT do cocaine. Get out of my face. I already told you shes innocent. God knows those tests are always wrong. Its not like this girls in her 20s, wealthy, famous, and surrounded by drug abusers every day....oh wait...it is like that? Well go to hell, she didnt do cocaine. If she was a coke addict she would do something erratic like retire out of the blue and stop talking to the media...oh wait...she did...
Damn, Martina Hingis MIGHT have done coke.
Damn, Martina Hingis MIGHT have done coke.
Colored Locker Rooms Spurs Success for Patriots
The recent wave of unbelievable play by the New England Patriots is about more than just talent and good coaching, says a team insider (Bill Belichecks ex-wife). According to "Team Insider", the Patriots are winning games because of a recent idea Belicheck has implemented involving the team locker rooms. Apparently, after witnessing one to many white players being robbed by the wide recievers and cornerbacks (ie black players) on the team after games, Belicheck segregated the squad into coloreds and whites. With two adjacent locker rooms, the only thing Tom Brady and Mike Vrabel have to worry about these days is the occasional freestyle rap overheard from across the locker room.
The new, innovative measure has gone past the locker room in recent weeks. Take a close look at the New England bench at any time, and what do you know, the white guys sit together on one side, the black guys on another...the farther side from the ball at that!
This contereversial idea is turning heads around the league, but in general, the results have been succesful. Dont believe me? Just ask little Wes Welker, the victim of 14 robberies last year as a member of the Miami Dolphins. This year, the only colored robbing Wes roam the streets at night, and for Wes, thats quite alright!
The new, innovative measure has gone past the locker room in recent weeks. Take a close look at the New England bench at any time, and what do you know, the white guys sit together on one side, the black guys on another...the farther side from the ball at that!
This contereversial idea is turning heads around the league, but in general, the results have been succesful. Dont believe me? Just ask little Wes Welker, the victim of 14 robberies last year as a member of the Miami Dolphins. This year, the only colored robbing Wes roam the streets at night, and for Wes, thats quite alright!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
NFL Speculation-AFC East
AFC EAST
1. New England-Oh, its easy to say chemistry isnt there, but you know what is there? TALENT. Talent trumps chemistry when you have the best coach in the league and as solid a QB as you can get. 11-5
2. Buffalo Bills- Laugh now, but the Bills have a solid, solid team here. QB is Losman who has a promising season last yr. Backup Trent Edwards is wowing everyone. The running game is addressed with Lynch and A-Train, WR is average, OL is brand new and gleaming, DL is mediocre (too many white guys), LBs are no longer overrated, and the secondary...well thats below average but loaded with youngsters. 9-7
3. NYJets- Whats so good about this team? Pennington is above average but ntohing amazing. Thomas Jones is starting to show wear and tear. The WRs suck outside Coles, the OL is aging, the DL is solid, the LBs are built totally around Vilma, and thats it. This teams lucky to beat ou Miami. Plus Mangini is fat. 7-9
4. Miami- What is this team some kind of cheap grocery store? Damaged goods run abound with Trent Green, Daunte, Ricky, and so forth. Nothing special about this club and the bad taste of Saban is still around and lingering.
5-11
2. San Diego-Nothings different about this team, really, except the fact they rid themselves of the big game loser himself, Schottenheimer. We expect them to at least represent the city named for a Whales Vagina.
3. Denver- Cutler has a strong arm. Who cares if hes poised, Shanahan wont let him in a situation where he can be anything but.
1. New England-Oh, its easy to say chemistry isnt there, but you know what is there? TALENT. Talent trumps chemistry when you have the best coach in the league and as solid a QB as you can get. 11-5
2. Buffalo Bills- Laugh now, but the Bills have a solid, solid team here. QB is Losman who has a promising season last yr. Backup Trent Edwards is wowing everyone. The running game is addressed with Lynch and A-Train, WR is average, OL is brand new and gleaming, DL is mediocre (too many white guys), LBs are no longer overrated, and the secondary...well thats below average but loaded with youngsters. 9-7
3. NYJets- Whats so good about this team? Pennington is above average but ntohing amazing. Thomas Jones is starting to show wear and tear. The WRs suck outside Coles, the OL is aging, the DL is solid, the LBs are built totally around Vilma, and thats it. This teams lucky to beat ou Miami. Plus Mangini is fat. 7-9
4. Miami- What is this team some kind of cheap grocery store? Damaged goods run abound with Trent Green, Daunte, Ricky, and so forth. Nothing special about this club and the bad taste of Saban is still around and lingering.
5-11
2. San Diego-Nothings different about this team, really, except the fact they rid themselves of the big game loser himself, Schottenheimer. We expect them to at least represent the city named for a Whales Vagina.
3. Denver- Cutler has a strong arm. Who cares if hes poised, Shanahan wont let him in a situation where he can be anything but.
Light up the Stove
Its about time a blog started publishing lists created by guys who have absolutely no professional experience in the sports industry. For many years now we have wondered what brave soul would lead the way. Today, we grow weary of waiting and have decided to take it upon ourselves and begin a site based totally on BS, Speculatiuon, Rumors, Lies, and Lists. Whats our angle? What sets us apart? Well we dont listen to tipsters or GMs, we listen to logic. If you want a LOGICAL and REALISTIC look at how things will pan out, come to us. If you want PRACTICAL and WELL DEVELOPED lists that mean something today, come to us. If you want headlines that MOCK and SATIRIZE athletes and all their testosterone (WNBA included), come to us. If you want cocaine or cracked cocaine, come to...call us actually...
LeBron James The Answer to Erectile Dysfunction for 60 year old Men
In a striking blow to the erectile medication industry, the stocks for Viagra crumbled today after ticket sales opened for Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Sure to be a thrilling matchup, a rising majority of older men have discovered the pure and blessed experience of watching The King put on highlight reel dunks works wonders on erectile dysfunction.
"Before Game 4 at the Palace, Linda's fatass did nothing for me, nothing at all. After watching LBJ post up on Rasheed, though, I grew what seems to be a perma-boner which has now lasted upwards of 5 days!" exclaimed Cavs fan Steve Gladden.
Gladdens story is just one of many emerging similar cases to be discovered recently. As the NBA Finals kick off Thursday night, heres hoping everyone keeps the popcorn bucket firmly held over their laps...
"Before Game 4 at the Palace, Linda's fatass did nothing for me, nothing at all. After watching LBJ post up on Rasheed, though, I grew what seems to be a perma-boner which has now lasted upwards of 5 days!" exclaimed Cavs fan Steve Gladden.
Gladdens story is just one of many emerging similar cases to be discovered recently. As the NBA Finals kick off Thursday night, heres hoping everyone keeps the popcorn bucket firmly held over their laps...
Billy Donovan Takes Back Happy Meal
As if Billy Donovan didnt have enough trouble to deal with, that flip flopping bastard is up to it again. Earlier today, Donovan entered an Orlando McDonalds to grab a double cheeseburger and McNuggets. Although he simply asked for "a double cheeseburger and McNuggets", Donovan was legitmately pissed when he discovered onions within his burger. "Goddamnit!" roared Donovan, who rushed up to the counter and exclaimed he no longer wanted the burger.
Local employee, DeMario Wayne was less than thrilled with the frustrated Donovan. "I said, you gimme that burger, ima take the onions off, but I sure as HEEELLL aint going to be washing my hands." Donovan, confused now and on the brink of nervous breakdown, collapsed into a ball on the floor asking for someone to please get him home to Gainseville.
"Its probably for the best, I McPissed on his McNuggets." remarked Wayne.
Local employee, DeMario Wayne was less than thrilled with the frustrated Donovan. "I said, you gimme that burger, ima take the onions off, but I sure as HEEELLL aint going to be washing my hands." Donovan, confused now and on the brink of nervous breakdown, collapsed into a ball on the floor asking for someone to please get him home to Gainseville.
"Its probably for the best, I McPissed on his McNuggets." remarked Wayne.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Bruce Bowen Sucker Punches David Stern...Amare Stoudamire Suspended
In yet another shocking judgement handed down from NBA commisioner David Stern, Amare Stoudamire will be suspended for the first 15 games of the 2007-2008 season because Bruce Bown intentionally sucker punched the head honcho after he entered the Spurs locker room to offer congratulations following their win in Utah. Bown apparently walked behind Stern and threw a glancing blow to his head. Stern immediatly went down, followed by Ginobli, who, although standing at the other side of the room, believed that by taking a dive, he may in fact draw a foul on the Jazz. Ginobli was not awarded a foul and as Stern came too 20-25 minutes later, he immediatly told his assistant to get "that piece of shit" Stoudamire on the phone.
"Bruce was obviously still just a little nervous after seeing the BS Stoudamire had pulled in the last series. I dont blame him for the punch, I was in his cross hairs and he was obviously influenced greatly by that tall SOB from Phoenix." explained Stern.
"I just...I dont know what to....I mean I guess I...Well what the Hell I was in Monaco at the time this occured, how is he going to pin this on me?!?!" roared Amare after recieving the news. He vowed to appeal this to the leagues Disciplinary Panel.
"Bruce was obviously still just a little nervous after seeing the BS Stoudamire had pulled in the last series. I dont blame him for the punch, I was in his cross hairs and he was obviously influenced greatly by that tall SOB from Phoenix." explained Stern.
"I just...I dont know what to....I mean I guess I...Well what the Hell I was in Monaco at the time this occured, how is he going to pin this on me?!?!" roared Amare after recieving the news. He vowed to appeal this to the leagues Disciplinary Panel.
Boston Fans "Lose All Hope" .....Again
Oh, how awful it must be to live in Boston and follow sports. What, with the recent draft blunder by the Celtics, the news that Clemens is coming back to NY to tear the Red Sox a new one once more, and the futility of the Boston Bruins hitting new lows. I cant imagine just how painful it must be....
Oh wait...yes...yes I frigging CAN. Bill Simmons bitching about the draft leaving the Celtics out of the loop for the next 5 or so years, Bruins fans refusing to attend games because the team finished just out of the playoffs, Red Sox fans turning on Schilling and than running right back every few days...all this disgusts me. What a spoiled rotten city. At least New York does something about failure. The city doesent bitch and moan. It regroups, finds a solution, and turns things around. If you dont think the Knicks are in the playoffs next year, your either Larry Brown or a citizen of Boston, Ma.
But hey Boston, what so bad about life that you need to quit on your teams and sink into depression so easily? Sometimes, you lose, and you keep losing, and it makes that next title all the sweeter. Dont believe me? Try living in BUFFALO NEW YORK! Here is a city, that for 47 years, has chased a title. We have pro football and hockey and we've had a good NBA team. No titles from any of them. Thats not even the worst of it either. No, think about this one, in all those years, Buffalo franchises have REGULARLY been championship caliber teams. Try being a contender every year and having your heart broken yet again.
So Boston, heres to you, a city with NBA championships, Lombardi Trophies, a World Series title, and a Stanley Cup. Hope it goes down sweet with all that Paxil.
Oh wait...yes...yes I frigging CAN. Bill Simmons bitching about the draft leaving the Celtics out of the loop for the next 5 or so years, Bruins fans refusing to attend games because the team finished just out of the playoffs, Red Sox fans turning on Schilling and than running right back every few days...all this disgusts me. What a spoiled rotten city. At least New York does something about failure. The city doesent bitch and moan. It regroups, finds a solution, and turns things around. If you dont think the Knicks are in the playoffs next year, your either Larry Brown or a citizen of Boston, Ma.
But hey Boston, what so bad about life that you need to quit on your teams and sink into depression so easily? Sometimes, you lose, and you keep losing, and it makes that next title all the sweeter. Dont believe me? Try living in BUFFALO NEW YORK! Here is a city, that for 47 years, has chased a title. We have pro football and hockey and we've had a good NBA team. No titles from any of them. Thats not even the worst of it either. No, think about this one, in all those years, Buffalo franchises have REGULARLY been championship caliber teams. Try being a contender every year and having your heart broken yet again.
So Boston, heres to you, a city with NBA championships, Lombardi Trophies, a World Series title, and a Stanley Cup. Hope it goes down sweet with all that Paxil.
Peter King Convinced Year is 1957
At a recent meet and greet for press covering the NFL at Commisioner Goodell's modest 2 room apartment in Scranton, PA (No TV, One crapper, no a/c, 31 Bibles, and one ominous handgun beside his straw bed), Peter King made quite a scene when told by Dr. Z that the 2007 NFL season would be something to look forward to. "No, YOUR full of shit Dr. Z!" bellowed King. Apparently, Peter has believed the year was 1957 for the last half century hes been alive.
"I mean, its shocking that the man hasnt really noticed that the times have a changed, but I imagine, looking back, the red flags were all there. The man was so damn pure and positive. I mean...who the fuck complains about player character and why is he always looking for a "good guy" in the NFL. I mean, what the fuck Pete?!" remarked fellow press member, John Clayton.
King was eventually settled down and placed on the only chair in Goodells home. He began to reason things out, but not without some bumps in the road. King was especially surprised to find out that Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and all those other fantastic colored boys dated white girls and lived in neighborhoods much like his own.
King made it home that night in a state not unlike Jim Carrey in the Truman Show. A whole world had just been placed before his eyes and he was still just beginning to assimilate this all.
"Well Bermy, thanks for the ride home, but dont go expecting anymore of those feel good stories every Monday and Tuesday. I'm done with that BS, time to get with the program and first things first, I'm watching the Sopranos....UNEDITED!"
"I mean, its shocking that the man hasnt really noticed that the times have a changed, but I imagine, looking back, the red flags were all there. The man was so damn pure and positive. I mean...who the fuck complains about player character and why is he always looking for a "good guy" in the NFL. I mean, what the fuck Pete?!" remarked fellow press member, John Clayton.
King was eventually settled down and placed on the only chair in Goodells home. He began to reason things out, but not without some bumps in the road. King was especially surprised to find out that Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and all those other fantastic colored boys dated white girls and lived in neighborhoods much like his own.
King made it home that night in a state not unlike Jim Carrey in the Truman Show. A whole world had just been placed before his eyes and he was still just beginning to assimilate this all.
"Well Bermy, thanks for the ride home, but dont go expecting anymore of those feel good stories every Monday and Tuesday. I'm done with that BS, time to get with the program and first things first, I'm watching the Sopranos....UNEDITED!"
Friday, May 11, 2007
Foul Ball Highlight of Game
A beautiful sunny dad in St.Louis, MO today was ruined for the 8,000 fans in attendance after the game's most exciting play was a routine foul ball that skirted into the stands and was snagged by an overly enthusiastic 23 year old.
After 8 innings of pop ups, walks, and meek singles, fans began to question why they had chosen to attend when they could have been out touring the Budweiser brewery or drinking in an alley. This doubt was immediatly erased though after Albert Pujols hit a sparkling foul ball 280 feet into the stands.
"Boy, you talk about PROFESSIONAL ATHLETICS, how many people can do THAT right there? Sure, the guys probably burned 8 calories all game and that being from ass scratching anyways, but the bottom line is, that foul ball has left me astounded." remarked fairweather fan and recent Rogaine subscriber, Adam Roberts. "Theres a reason baseball trumps hockey every time, and that my friend, is IT!"
After 8 innings of pop ups, walks, and meek singles, fans began to question why they had chosen to attend when they could have been out touring the Budweiser brewery or drinking in an alley. This doubt was immediatly erased though after Albert Pujols hit a sparkling foul ball 280 feet into the stands.
"Boy, you talk about PROFESSIONAL ATHLETICS, how many people can do THAT right there? Sure, the guys probably burned 8 calories all game and that being from ass scratching anyways, but the bottom line is, that foul ball has left me astounded." remarked fairweather fan and recent Rogaine subscriber, Adam Roberts. "Theres a reason baseball trumps hockey every time, and that my friend, is IT!"
Stephen Jackson Guarantees Murder in Upcoming Game
While the Golden State Warriors prepare for a vital game 3 against the Utah Jazz, star teammate Stephen Jackson couldnt help but make some guarantees. In the spirit of Namath and more recently, Rasheed Wallace, Jackson came to the press the morning of a big playoff game and proclaimed some promises.
With the press swarming, Jackson stepped up to the podium after Baron Davis and immediatly lit up with a cocky swagger. "We dont need to field questions today, all I got to say is, someones not leaving the court tonight. Im putting down the hammer, Stephen Jackson style. It could be the announcers, it could be the fans, it could be Deron Williams, or hell, it could be Jason Richardson. That snitch has it coming." Jackson than made a throat slashing gesture and walked off, his friend and teammate Howie Hughes, blared Easy-E from a circa 1992 boombox as they exited. The whole scene was...intimidating.
With the press swarming, Jackson stepped up to the podium after Baron Davis and immediatly lit up with a cocky swagger. "We dont need to field questions today, all I got to say is, someones not leaving the court tonight. Im putting down the hammer, Stephen Jackson style. It could be the announcers, it could be the fans, it could be Deron Williams, or hell, it could be Jason Richardson. That snitch has it coming." Jackson than made a throat slashing gesture and walked off, his friend and teammate Howie Hughes, blared Easy-E from a circa 1992 boombox as they exited. The whole scene was...intimidating.
Petrino Agrees Vick Could Do Worse
Michael Vicks latest foray into the world of crime and seediness has left many NFL analysts ready for the kill. Sure, Chris Berman probably DOES make sexist and bizarre statements to women, and yes, Shaun Salisbury IS, a month or two away from having his "hole-in-the basement" getup discovered by local authorities. None of this matters though, they see the story and they cant help but touch it.
Anyways, during yet another interrogation regarding Vicks character today, new coach Bobby Petrino seemed apathetic and generally unconcerned. "So Michael likes to let dogs fight...big deal. I heard Chris Simms was doing the same thing with peacocks last week and I dont see any breaking news on that. What does that tell you about SIMM'S character? Pussy." Petrino than threw up the westside gangsta sign and walked off.
We dont quite no if dog-fighting is the new UFC, but we have to admit, it certainly doesent detract from Vick as a cold-blooded athlete in our eyes. If the man is eager to watch two vicious animals do battle to the death, something tells me Julius Peppers doesent even phase him.
Anyways, during yet another interrogation regarding Vicks character today, new coach Bobby Petrino seemed apathetic and generally unconcerned. "So Michael likes to let dogs fight...big deal. I heard Chris Simms was doing the same thing with peacocks last week and I dont see any breaking news on that. What does that tell you about SIMM'S character? Pussy." Petrino than threw up the westside gangsta sign and walked off.
We dont quite no if dog-fighting is the new UFC, but we have to admit, it certainly doesent detract from Vick as a cold-blooded athlete in our eyes. If the man is eager to watch two vicious animals do battle to the death, something tells me Julius Peppers doesent even phase him.
Monday, April 23, 2007
The Power of the Beard
Want to win in sports? Steroids sure dont hurt and shaving points has its advantages, but here at Hot Stove, we are fairly certain we found the most legitimate and accurate method for translating last second failures into heart fluttering success. No, we havent reinvented the Whizzinator...were talking about BEARDS. You want to win in pro sports, you need to let that peach fuzz grow, embrace the unkempt look, and work it well.
Not buying it? Lets see who lets the beard grow out in sports these days: Ben Roethlisberger (Hides his F'ed up grill AND wins him championships), every playoff hockey competitor (its a rite of passage...unless your name is Sidney Crosby, if your Sidney I guess you can bypass this), Evander Holyfield (well at least hes still fighting...), Tim Duncan, Rip Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Tiger Woods (hes got stubble, HES GOT STUBBLE), Roger Clemens...the list goes on and on, it stretches back to the days of Abe Lincoln and his cock fighting adventures. Legend has it a young girl told Abe to grow out that beard, but in all truth, it was clearly done for athletic advantages. Slimy Pete McKenzie, a real cockfighting ace in his day, told a young Abe that the only way hed get his cocks to fight to the death was to sport the beard he is now famous for. It later turned out McKenzie was suffering from Shingles and 100% wrong, but the beard lived on. Hell, even women have taken to this superstition. Billie Jean King, the womens basketball team from Tennesee, and the US Ladies soccer squad have all taken to letting the stubble come out. Whatever it takes, right.
Now if you still need more evidence, just think of all the men who never won a championship. Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Charles Barkley, Barbaro (well he won, but in the long run he lost), A-Rod, Sidney Crosby, Kevin Garnett(ok hes got something going on their, but it looks more in the lines of pubic hair than facial hair), Don Nelson....ok you got the point by now.
Bottom line, throw out the razor and unleash the unkempt, the rings will come soon after.
Not buying it? Lets see who lets the beard grow out in sports these days: Ben Roethlisberger (Hides his F'ed up grill AND wins him championships), every playoff hockey competitor (its a rite of passage...unless your name is Sidney Crosby, if your Sidney I guess you can bypass this), Evander Holyfield (well at least hes still fighting...), Tim Duncan, Rip Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Tiger Woods (hes got stubble, HES GOT STUBBLE), Roger Clemens...the list goes on and on, it stretches back to the days of Abe Lincoln and his cock fighting adventures. Legend has it a young girl told Abe to grow out that beard, but in all truth, it was clearly done for athletic advantages. Slimy Pete McKenzie, a real cockfighting ace in his day, told a young Abe that the only way hed get his cocks to fight to the death was to sport the beard he is now famous for. It later turned out McKenzie was suffering from Shingles and 100% wrong, but the beard lived on. Hell, even women have taken to this superstition. Billie Jean King, the womens basketball team from Tennesee, and the US Ladies soccer squad have all taken to letting the stubble come out. Whatever it takes, right.
Now if you still need more evidence, just think of all the men who never won a championship. Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Charles Barkley, Barbaro (well he won, but in the long run he lost), A-Rod, Sidney Crosby, Kevin Garnett(ok hes got something going on their, but it looks more in the lines of pubic hair than facial hair), Don Nelson....ok you got the point by now.
Bottom line, throw out the razor and unleash the unkempt, the rings will come soon after.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
NFL Mock Draft: Movie Star Addition
Lets Pretend these teams were drafting movie or music stars instead of NFL players. Wouldnt that just be zAnY and HILL-A-RIOUS?!?!?!? Ok, so its not all that interesting, but what the fuck, I might toss out Jenna Jamesons name on here, so thatll be worth something.
Plus, this isnt just some tossed together piece of crap we use as filler, we actually match teams up with the star we feel could most benefit them as a fan...or in some cases a player (that would mean you Detroit).
1.Oakland- Lindsey Lohan- I mean...cmon....was there ever a doubt. Unless they trade this pic down, grab Hillary Duff and bank on her becoming the next Lohan in a year or two. Davis would throw some money her way for "a good tit job" and the results would be either amazing or devastating. Weve seen what happened to the other Duff girl....bark bark.
2.Detroit- Michael Irvin- Well, The Longest Yard was a movie...i guess. Millen apparently caught a glimpse of what this guy could do at WR and knew he had to get a taste. The fans in Detroit will be following the other 3 teams bask in success so this pick shouldnt be as big a deal as you would expect.
3. Cleveland- Vin Diesel- Savage mistakes Diesel for a clone of Kellen Winslow and says "Lets Do This!" with great enthusiasm. He is shocked when he discovers Diesel is a.)not XXX, b.) Not Winslows clone, and c.)part white....oh, woe is cleveland.
4. Tampa Bay- Chris Simms demands they pick up Lance Bass or that Davis guy from Real World. Simeon Rice looks on in grave disgust. Grudens visor cant even hide his concern.
5. Arizona- Paris Hilton- This would be realllly fun for Matt Leinart. Reallly. Also, Hilton would be at best in heat, and I think this might be a bit cliche, but what does Hiltons cooch, the Arizona Landscape, and this Cardinals team all have in common? They resemble a burnt out desert. Ohhhh yeah.
6.Washington- Dont say Tom Cruise, Dont say Tom Cruise....damnit, they take Tom Cruise. I mean c'mon, theirs nothing funny about this, the Redskins likely WILL field Cruise sometime this year, and the worst part is the guys going to demand he play on platform cleats.
7. Minnesota- There is absolutely no celebrity willing to go to Minnesota. I mean...none. Jessie Ventura lost his novelty long ago. Minnesota will attempt to draft that kid from Malcom in the Middle but who knows, Brad Johnson may have a problem with that...
8. Atlanta- Since Lil Johns taken to hockey recently, I imagine the next biggest celebrity willing to embrace the ATL would be...Gwenyth Paltrow! Get it Girl! This is what happens when you name your children after fruit, diss the country you are born and raised in, and begin to think your shit actually doesent smell one bit. You get drafted by ATL, and become Ron Mexicos favirote companion. You get to watch Quasim...I mean Keith Brooking carry things on his hunch...I mean back. Yes, come to ATL Gwenyth, and let the juicy girl out!
9.Miami- This team needs a quarterback and dont you know it, Dennis Quaid was one hell of a quarterback in that Any Given Sunday movie...and wait...NOO....he quarterbacked a team from Miami. Yes, Jamie Foxx played nearly the same role...but I think the Dolphins have decided this whole "Black Quarterback thing" was just a phase thatll pass....right??
10. Houston- Houston lacks any motivation, any confidence, and anything to gel this team together. Well ladd-e fucking da, lets bring over that prick Ty Pennington. I bet he could build this team quite a franchise with his harmless homosexual assitant, obnoxious dick for a friend, and future skinimax queen crew member. Man, thatd be fun as hell to watch. Maybe they could build Mario Williams some confidence in the meantime.
11.San Fran- Ok, we all know they wanted to embrace culture and diversity, so they draft Rosie O Donnell. What we dont realize, is that Rosie is also a tenacious SOB on the O-Line and that she has actually fucking killed people before, REAL people. HUGE steal by Nolan.
12. Buffal0- Im not going to lie. Im a Buffalo native. I love the Sabres, loveD the Bills, and still find some umbrage in the fact Marv Levy manages to continue working with the team. That being said, I am pretty certain he and Ralph Wilson are going to pick up that young buck "Ronnie Reagan" whom they witnessed at the local cineplex back in '42. Says Levy, "This kid looked pretty great as the Gipper, white running backs are the wave of the future!"
13. St. Louis- They take Nelly...because...well hes like the only famous person from there and hes going to make one hell of a 1-2 punch with Stephen Jackson..expecially if he goes out their barefoot.
14. Carolina- They take Kirk Cameron. A good Christian man who wont threaten this city of former Slaveholders. Cameron, unfortunately, brings with him the Apocaplypse his movies had foretold and in real life cannot do half the things he appeared capable in that movie.
15. Pittsburgh- We all know they want an unattractive, hard nosed player. But what do they NEED?? They need a friggin stunt double for Roethlsberger. So bring in Kurt Russell. After seeing what he could do in Grindhouse, hes got to be able to take a few motorcyle spills.
16. Green Bay- Clay Aiken...they merely do this to pretend they have found an heir to Favres throne. As expected, Favre throws a pass that hits Aiken during warmups. Aiken attempts to walk away but is surrounded by a circle of creepy Dairy farmers. He wakes up in a basement of some farm in the rural Wisconsin area. "Why am in a basement...Aaron Rodgers?!?!? Is that the body of Aaron Rodgers?!!?" "Shutup boy, and put the lotion on the skin."
17. Jacksonville- Well...they thought they had a pretty good team but that was proven wrong in the playoffs pretty rapidly. Thus, lets just settle this and give them Tonya from the Real World. A sleazy city deserves a sleazy star. Fair enough.
OK, thats it for right now, ill finish tonight, tommorow, or next February.
Plus, this isnt just some tossed together piece of crap we use as filler, we actually match teams up with the star we feel could most benefit them as a fan...or in some cases a player (that would mean you Detroit).
1.Oakland- Lindsey Lohan- I mean...cmon....was there ever a doubt. Unless they trade this pic down, grab Hillary Duff and bank on her becoming the next Lohan in a year or two. Davis would throw some money her way for "a good tit job" and the results would be either amazing or devastating. Weve seen what happened to the other Duff girl....bark bark.
2.Detroit- Michael Irvin- Well, The Longest Yard was a movie...i guess. Millen apparently caught a glimpse of what this guy could do at WR and knew he had to get a taste. The fans in Detroit will be following the other 3 teams bask in success so this pick shouldnt be as big a deal as you would expect.
3. Cleveland- Vin Diesel- Savage mistakes Diesel for a clone of Kellen Winslow and says "Lets Do This!" with great enthusiasm. He is shocked when he discovers Diesel is a.)not XXX, b.) Not Winslows clone, and c.)part white....oh, woe is cleveland.
4. Tampa Bay- Chris Simms demands they pick up Lance Bass or that Davis guy from Real World. Simeon Rice looks on in grave disgust. Grudens visor cant even hide his concern.
5. Arizona- Paris Hilton- This would be realllly fun for Matt Leinart. Reallly. Also, Hilton would be at best in heat, and I think this might be a bit cliche, but what does Hiltons cooch, the Arizona Landscape, and this Cardinals team all have in common? They resemble a burnt out desert. Ohhhh yeah.
6.Washington- Dont say Tom Cruise, Dont say Tom Cruise....damnit, they take Tom Cruise. I mean c'mon, theirs nothing funny about this, the Redskins likely WILL field Cruise sometime this year, and the worst part is the guys going to demand he play on platform cleats.
7. Minnesota- There is absolutely no celebrity willing to go to Minnesota. I mean...none. Jessie Ventura lost his novelty long ago. Minnesota will attempt to draft that kid from Malcom in the Middle but who knows, Brad Johnson may have a problem with that...
8. Atlanta- Since Lil Johns taken to hockey recently, I imagine the next biggest celebrity willing to embrace the ATL would be...Gwenyth Paltrow! Get it Girl! This is what happens when you name your children after fruit, diss the country you are born and raised in, and begin to think your shit actually doesent smell one bit. You get drafted by ATL, and become Ron Mexicos favirote companion. You get to watch Quasim...I mean Keith Brooking carry things on his hunch...I mean back. Yes, come to ATL Gwenyth, and let the juicy girl out!
9.Miami- This team needs a quarterback and dont you know it, Dennis Quaid was one hell of a quarterback in that Any Given Sunday movie...and wait...NOO....he quarterbacked a team from Miami. Yes, Jamie Foxx played nearly the same role...but I think the Dolphins have decided this whole "Black Quarterback thing" was just a phase thatll pass....right??
10. Houston- Houston lacks any motivation, any confidence, and anything to gel this team together. Well ladd-e fucking da, lets bring over that prick Ty Pennington. I bet he could build this team quite a franchise with his harmless homosexual assitant, obnoxious dick for a friend, and future skinimax queen crew member. Man, thatd be fun as hell to watch. Maybe they could build Mario Williams some confidence in the meantime.
11.San Fran- Ok, we all know they wanted to embrace culture and diversity, so they draft Rosie O Donnell. What we dont realize, is that Rosie is also a tenacious SOB on the O-Line and that she has actually fucking killed people before, REAL people. HUGE steal by Nolan.
12. Buffal0- Im not going to lie. Im a Buffalo native. I love the Sabres, loveD the Bills, and still find some umbrage in the fact Marv Levy manages to continue working with the team. That being said, I am pretty certain he and Ralph Wilson are going to pick up that young buck "Ronnie Reagan" whom they witnessed at the local cineplex back in '42. Says Levy, "This kid looked pretty great as the Gipper, white running backs are the wave of the future!"
13. St. Louis- They take Nelly...because...well hes like the only famous person from there and hes going to make one hell of a 1-2 punch with Stephen Jackson..expecially if he goes out their barefoot.
14. Carolina- They take Kirk Cameron. A good Christian man who wont threaten this city of former Slaveholders. Cameron, unfortunately, brings with him the Apocaplypse his movies had foretold and in real life cannot do half the things he appeared capable in that movie.
15. Pittsburgh- We all know they want an unattractive, hard nosed player. But what do they NEED?? They need a friggin stunt double for Roethlsberger. So bring in Kurt Russell. After seeing what he could do in Grindhouse, hes got to be able to take a few motorcyle spills.
16. Green Bay- Clay Aiken...they merely do this to pretend they have found an heir to Favres throne. As expected, Favre throws a pass that hits Aiken during warmups. Aiken attempts to walk away but is surrounded by a circle of creepy Dairy farmers. He wakes up in a basement of some farm in the rural Wisconsin area. "Why am in a basement...Aaron Rodgers?!?!? Is that the body of Aaron Rodgers?!!?" "Shutup boy, and put the lotion on the skin."
17. Jacksonville- Well...they thought they had a pretty good team but that was proven wrong in the playoffs pretty rapidly. Thus, lets just settle this and give them Tonya from the Real World. A sleazy city deserves a sleazy star. Fair enough.
OK, thats it for right now, ill finish tonight, tommorow, or next February.
Hey! I Bet You Want to Read My Thoughts on the NBA Playoffs! Of Course You Do! Please?? CMON, Im Begging You!
So, I wanted to give the thoughts we here at Hot Stove have on the NBA Playoffs even though I am sure all 8 people who visit this site have read 15 other NBA previews by guys who think theyre cool and smart and better than us. Well they are better than us, they are cooler than us, and I think its obvious they are smarter than us. But hey what the hell, if your drinking or sniffing paint fumes this might be a bit interesting!
So heres our thoughts: THEY SUCK, WATCH THE NHL INSTEAD
OK, folks, thats actually about it...
So heres our thoughts: THEY SUCK, WATCH THE NHL INSTEAD
OK, folks, thats actually about it...
Speaking of Notre Dame Quarterbacks
If I were a gambling man (and wait, im not Bill Simmons, I AM a gambling man) I would be seriously considering looking into the upcoming season for Jimmy Clausen. The butterfaced wigger from "MediocreQuarterbacksVille, USA" comes from a pretty subpar pedigree (his brother started for the great Tennesee team yet couldnt even get drafted or make it to the NFL...and thats about it for the pedigree actually), carries more hair gel on his head than Mel Kiper does mousse, and seems to think he is something special. The upcoming freshman recently held a press conference where he publicly announced he would go to Notre Dame, all the while flashing his state championship rings as if they were going to impress me. Didnt Work Jimmy. So, as a result of these observations, I am going to place any money I have (which is actually very very very little...like less than Jimmy Clausen is going to have 6 years from now) on Clausen both a.)sucking ass and b.)suffering a career ending injury at the hands of a guy named Lamar who grew up in Harlem and held his "press conference" at a local roller rink.
I'm a half polish, chain smoking, semi alcoholic 18 year old and I am pretty certain I could beat the crap out of Clausen, so whats stopping Lamar? Ill tell you whats stopping him, NOTHING.
I'm a half polish, chain smoking, semi alcoholic 18 year old and I am pretty certain I could beat the crap out of Clausen, so whats stopping Lamar? Ill tell you whats stopping him, NOTHING.
Brady Quinn Expose: "I Smoked a Camel Light...and I'm Filled With Regrets!"
As the news came out today that Calvin Johnson and two other NFL prospects in the 07 draft have admitted to using Marijuanna while at college, we here at the Hot Stove were both schocked and appalled. This is almost as bad as that incident last year when JJ Reddick stepped into a car while intoxicated. What were these athletes thinking?!?! Using an illegal substance while at college...POOR DECISION MAKING young men! But the real shocker came out later today, when Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn revealed that he too had engaged in some shady dealing while in college. Apparently, Quinn is planning to make a Press Conference tonight and admit to having smoked, and possibly inhaled, a Camel Light. What a piece of shit! Brady, say it aint so. We expect Calvin Johnson and his mortal friends to do these things but you?? I hope that camel Light was awfully good.
Quinn, while wiping back tears and flexing his god-like biceps, confessed that after an intense 5 hour one on one practice witih coach Charlie Wies, he was offered a cigarette by the man many consider to be his greatest mentor. "I just wiped back the tears, took a puff, and forgot for a moment where I was." Quinn has since decided that this puff was the "biggest mistake of my life" and that he would beat the living shit out of Joe Camel or anyone resembling him. Careful Nicole Richie, this guys got his eye on you!
Quinn, while wiping back tears and flexing his god-like biceps, confessed that after an intense 5 hour one on one practice witih coach Charlie Wies, he was offered a cigarette by the man many consider to be his greatest mentor. "I just wiped back the tears, took a puff, and forgot for a moment where I was." Quinn has since decided that this puff was the "biggest mistake of my life" and that he would beat the living shit out of Joe Camel or anyone resembling him. Careful Nicole Richie, this guys got his eye on you!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
NBA vs. NHL
I keep hearing the annoying rants of Bill Simmons and his legion of sports blog stat nerds trash the NHL as second rate compared to the "Big Three" professional sports. Their taunts run through my head day and night. Sometimes I cannot sleep because of the anxiety this causes. Luckily though, I can fight back from the anxiety and defend the ugly stepchild of professional sports every once in awhile.
Say what you want about the NHL, but in this post, I am going to tear apart the NBA piece by piece until you can actually taste my redemption. It will taste fucking awesome. This will be the first in a 3-part series where I take down each of the "Big Three" until we can all realize just how captivating the NHL is.
1. Speed of Play
-Ok, this is important because I think everyone likes to watch a game that gets some fluidity as well as a fast pace. Nascar is practically built around this singular concept. So why on Earth does the NBA draw in higher attendance and revenues when its hard for the game to go on 10 seconds without a stoppage. Where is the excitement of that? Fouls are the bane of my exsistence. Ive developed a few ulcers, kidney stones, and abnormally bad blood pressure because of the fouls caused from watching ONE Spurs game alone last year. Tim Duncans beligerent whining reminded me of an Italian soccer player. Hockey, on the other hand, can see the game move on for 2 minutes while action unfolds without being stopped. Players are moving 40 mph, pucks are moving 90-100 mph. Seems a bit more interesting to me...
Physical Contact
--Hockey players are encouraged to make their opponents cry and bleed. Basketball players get kicked out of the game if they brush up against their opponent more than 5 times. Hockey players who like to fight get special roles and become fan favirotes. Basketball players who like to fight are forced to play in Sacramento and recieve a "thug" label. They also get suspended for 70 odd games.
Enjoying the Game in Person
-Basketball games in person are really anticlimatic. Not only does the tv screen make the court seem much bigger, but it also makes the players seem much more...skilled. I went to a Bobcats game once and all I could think about was how Deron Williams looked like a poor mans version of my friend Will. Will could even hit the 3 better than him. Hockey games encourage fans to be drunk, encourage players to check their opponents into the boards causing thunderous checks, and encourage girls to take off their tops. Plus a puck could fly over the net and hit you on the side of the head, givingyou two nifty souveneirs to take home that night.
Overall Skill Required
-My grandfather is more skilled at basketball than Greg Oden. If he was 7 feet tall, I think hed beat Greg Odens ass than dunk on him. The bottom line is you dont see hockey recruiting 7 foor 5 chinese players to the game because they want SKILLED players, not physical freaks who can dominate a singular aspect of the game.
So I think I have made my point and I am pretty sure your now on my side with this whole NHL beats the NBA thing. Thats great to hear and no need to thank me, your very welcome!
Say what you want about the NHL, but in this post, I am going to tear apart the NBA piece by piece until you can actually taste my redemption. It will taste fucking awesome. This will be the first in a 3-part series where I take down each of the "Big Three" until we can all realize just how captivating the NHL is.
1. Speed of Play
-Ok, this is important because I think everyone likes to watch a game that gets some fluidity as well as a fast pace. Nascar is practically built around this singular concept. So why on Earth does the NBA draw in higher attendance and revenues when its hard for the game to go on 10 seconds without a stoppage. Where is the excitement of that? Fouls are the bane of my exsistence. Ive developed a few ulcers, kidney stones, and abnormally bad blood pressure because of the fouls caused from watching ONE Spurs game alone last year. Tim Duncans beligerent whining reminded me of an Italian soccer player. Hockey, on the other hand, can see the game move on for 2 minutes while action unfolds without being stopped. Players are moving 40 mph, pucks are moving 90-100 mph. Seems a bit more interesting to me...
Physical Contact
--Hockey players are encouraged to make their opponents cry and bleed. Basketball players get kicked out of the game if they brush up against their opponent more than 5 times. Hockey players who like to fight get special roles and become fan favirotes. Basketball players who like to fight are forced to play in Sacramento and recieve a "thug" label. They also get suspended for 70 odd games.
Enjoying the Game in Person
-Basketball games in person are really anticlimatic. Not only does the tv screen make the court seem much bigger, but it also makes the players seem much more...skilled. I went to a Bobcats game once and all I could think about was how Deron Williams looked like a poor mans version of my friend Will. Will could even hit the 3 better than him. Hockey games encourage fans to be drunk, encourage players to check their opponents into the boards causing thunderous checks, and encourage girls to take off their tops. Plus a puck could fly over the net and hit you on the side of the head, givingyou two nifty souveneirs to take home that night.
Overall Skill Required
-My grandfather is more skilled at basketball than Greg Oden. If he was 7 feet tall, I think hed beat Greg Odens ass than dunk on him. The bottom line is you dont see hockey recruiting 7 foor 5 chinese players to the game because they want SKILLED players, not physical freaks who can dominate a singular aspect of the game.
So I think I have made my point and I am pretty sure your now on my side with this whole NHL beats the NBA thing. Thats great to hear and no need to thank me, your very welcome!
Bobcats release Gerald Wallace; Clear up cap space for Lisa Leslie
In a shocking move that shook the sports world....or at least the Charlotte region....or hell, someones paying attention to the Bobcats...right??
Anyways, this doesent matter, for histories sake its worth noting that the Charlotte Bobcats have invested a 7 year 100 million dollar deal into former WNBA star, Lisa Leslie. Insisting this is not a gimmick, team coach Bernie Bickerstaff praised the toughness and scoring ability Leslie would bring to the table....
Anyways, this doesent matter, for histories sake its worth noting that the Charlotte Bobcats have invested a 7 year 100 million dollar deal into former WNBA star, Lisa Leslie. Insisting this is not a gimmick, team coach Bernie Bickerstaff praised the toughness and scoring ability Leslie would bring to the table....
A Standing O For the Blog Worlds Latest Rookie!
Boy, its not easy being a rookie in professional sports blogging these days. Millions of other sports junkies trying to throw out their opinions and preach some bandwagon agenda have made the idea of blogging pretty much as fruitless as playing for the Devil Rays. We (Chris and myself, some college aged kids who cant quite drink (legally) yet, so as a result still have little better to do) will be lucky to get 3-4 viewers from now until July....those viewers being my mom, his aunt Judith, and probably Billy Packer.
So we decided we have to set ourselves apart, have an angle, really make this site interesting enough that we can become moderately wealthy and afford meals that havent been preheated at the Mens Shelter.
So how are we going to do it? Simple, offer you rampant rumors and speculation, no spin analysis, up to date breaking news coverage, and a sense of humor. Too many people take the sports world a little too seriously and end up overanalyzing everything (Mel Kiper, that means you!). We've decided we can apply the Hot Stove talk to this whole "Intranet" trend that seems to have caught on...for now. We here at Hot Stove are banking on this little phase to come to an end soon enough, but for now, what the hell, lets fire up the stove!!
So we decided we have to set ourselves apart, have an angle, really make this site interesting enough that we can become moderately wealthy and afford meals that havent been preheated at the Mens Shelter.
So how are we going to do it? Simple, offer you rampant rumors and speculation, no spin analysis, up to date breaking news coverage, and a sense of humor. Too many people take the sports world a little too seriously and end up overanalyzing everything (Mel Kiper, that means you!). We've decided we can apply the Hot Stove talk to this whole "Intranet" trend that seems to have caught on...for now. We here at Hot Stove are banking on this little phase to come to an end soon enough, but for now, what the hell, lets fire up the stove!!
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