In yet another shocking judgement handed down from NBA commisioner David Stern, Amare Stoudamire will be suspended for the first 15 games of the 2007-2008 season because Bruce Bown intentionally sucker punched the head honcho after he entered the Spurs locker room to offer congratulations following their win in Utah. Bown apparently walked behind Stern and threw a glancing blow to his head. Stern immediatly went down, followed by Ginobli, who, although standing at the other side of the room, believed that by taking a dive, he may in fact draw a foul on the Jazz. Ginobli was not awarded a foul and as Stern came too 20-25 minutes later, he immediatly told his assistant to get "that piece of shit" Stoudamire on the phone.
"Bruce was obviously still just a little nervous after seeing the BS Stoudamire had pulled in the last series. I dont blame him for the punch, I was in his cross hairs and he was obviously influenced greatly by that tall SOB from Phoenix." explained Stern.
"I just...I dont know what to....I mean I guess I...Well what the Hell I was in Monaco at the time this occured, how is he going to pin this on me?!?!" roared Amare after recieving the news. He vowed to appeal this to the leagues Disciplinary Panel.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Boston Fans "Lose All Hope" .....Again
Oh, how awful it must be to live in Boston and follow sports. What, with the recent draft blunder by the Celtics, the news that Clemens is coming back to NY to tear the Red Sox a new one once more, and the futility of the Boston Bruins hitting new lows. I cant imagine just how painful it must be....
Oh wait...yes...yes I frigging CAN. Bill Simmons bitching about the draft leaving the Celtics out of the loop for the next 5 or so years, Bruins fans refusing to attend games because the team finished just out of the playoffs, Red Sox fans turning on Schilling and than running right back every few days...all this disgusts me. What a spoiled rotten city. At least New York does something about failure. The city doesent bitch and moan. It regroups, finds a solution, and turns things around. If you dont think the Knicks are in the playoffs next year, your either Larry Brown or a citizen of Boston, Ma.
But hey Boston, what so bad about life that you need to quit on your teams and sink into depression so easily? Sometimes, you lose, and you keep losing, and it makes that next title all the sweeter. Dont believe me? Try living in BUFFALO NEW YORK! Here is a city, that for 47 years, has chased a title. We have pro football and hockey and we've had a good NBA team. No titles from any of them. Thats not even the worst of it either. No, think about this one, in all those years, Buffalo franchises have REGULARLY been championship caliber teams. Try being a contender every year and having your heart broken yet again.
So Boston, heres to you, a city with NBA championships, Lombardi Trophies, a World Series title, and a Stanley Cup. Hope it goes down sweet with all that Paxil.
Oh wait...yes...yes I frigging CAN. Bill Simmons bitching about the draft leaving the Celtics out of the loop for the next 5 or so years, Bruins fans refusing to attend games because the team finished just out of the playoffs, Red Sox fans turning on Schilling and than running right back every few days...all this disgusts me. What a spoiled rotten city. At least New York does something about failure. The city doesent bitch and moan. It regroups, finds a solution, and turns things around. If you dont think the Knicks are in the playoffs next year, your either Larry Brown or a citizen of Boston, Ma.
But hey Boston, what so bad about life that you need to quit on your teams and sink into depression so easily? Sometimes, you lose, and you keep losing, and it makes that next title all the sweeter. Dont believe me? Try living in BUFFALO NEW YORK! Here is a city, that for 47 years, has chased a title. We have pro football and hockey and we've had a good NBA team. No titles from any of them. Thats not even the worst of it either. No, think about this one, in all those years, Buffalo franchises have REGULARLY been championship caliber teams. Try being a contender every year and having your heart broken yet again.
So Boston, heres to you, a city with NBA championships, Lombardi Trophies, a World Series title, and a Stanley Cup. Hope it goes down sweet with all that Paxil.
Peter King Convinced Year is 1957
At a recent meet and greet for press covering the NFL at Commisioner Goodell's modest 2 room apartment in Scranton, PA (No TV, One crapper, no a/c, 31 Bibles, and one ominous handgun beside his straw bed), Peter King made quite a scene when told by Dr. Z that the 2007 NFL season would be something to look forward to. "No, YOUR full of shit Dr. Z!" bellowed King. Apparently, Peter has believed the year was 1957 for the last half century hes been alive.
"I mean, its shocking that the man hasnt really noticed that the times have a changed, but I imagine, looking back, the red flags were all there. The man was so damn pure and positive. I mean...who the fuck complains about player character and why is he always looking for a "good guy" in the NFL. I mean, what the fuck Pete?!" remarked fellow press member, John Clayton.
King was eventually settled down and placed on the only chair in Goodells home. He began to reason things out, but not without some bumps in the road. King was especially surprised to find out that Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and all those other fantastic colored boys dated white girls and lived in neighborhoods much like his own.
King made it home that night in a state not unlike Jim Carrey in the Truman Show. A whole world had just been placed before his eyes and he was still just beginning to assimilate this all.
"Well Bermy, thanks for the ride home, but dont go expecting anymore of those feel good stories every Monday and Tuesday. I'm done with that BS, time to get with the program and first things first, I'm watching the Sopranos....UNEDITED!"
"I mean, its shocking that the man hasnt really noticed that the times have a changed, but I imagine, looking back, the red flags were all there. The man was so damn pure and positive. I mean...who the fuck complains about player character and why is he always looking for a "good guy" in the NFL. I mean, what the fuck Pete?!" remarked fellow press member, John Clayton.
King was eventually settled down and placed on the only chair in Goodells home. He began to reason things out, but not without some bumps in the road. King was especially surprised to find out that Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and all those other fantastic colored boys dated white girls and lived in neighborhoods much like his own.
King made it home that night in a state not unlike Jim Carrey in the Truman Show. A whole world had just been placed before his eyes and he was still just beginning to assimilate this all.
"Well Bermy, thanks for the ride home, but dont go expecting anymore of those feel good stories every Monday and Tuesday. I'm done with that BS, time to get with the program and first things first, I'm watching the Sopranos....UNEDITED!"
Friday, May 11, 2007
Foul Ball Highlight of Game
A beautiful sunny dad in St.Louis, MO today was ruined for the 8,000 fans in attendance after the game's most exciting play was a routine foul ball that skirted into the stands and was snagged by an overly enthusiastic 23 year old.
After 8 innings of pop ups, walks, and meek singles, fans began to question why they had chosen to attend when they could have been out touring the Budweiser brewery or drinking in an alley. This doubt was immediatly erased though after Albert Pujols hit a sparkling foul ball 280 feet into the stands.
"Boy, you talk about PROFESSIONAL ATHLETICS, how many people can do THAT right there? Sure, the guys probably burned 8 calories all game and that being from ass scratching anyways, but the bottom line is, that foul ball has left me astounded." remarked fairweather fan and recent Rogaine subscriber, Adam Roberts. "Theres a reason baseball trumps hockey every time, and that my friend, is IT!"
After 8 innings of pop ups, walks, and meek singles, fans began to question why they had chosen to attend when they could have been out touring the Budweiser brewery or drinking in an alley. This doubt was immediatly erased though after Albert Pujols hit a sparkling foul ball 280 feet into the stands.
"Boy, you talk about PROFESSIONAL ATHLETICS, how many people can do THAT right there? Sure, the guys probably burned 8 calories all game and that being from ass scratching anyways, but the bottom line is, that foul ball has left me astounded." remarked fairweather fan and recent Rogaine subscriber, Adam Roberts. "Theres a reason baseball trumps hockey every time, and that my friend, is IT!"
Stephen Jackson Guarantees Murder in Upcoming Game
While the Golden State Warriors prepare for a vital game 3 against the Utah Jazz, star teammate Stephen Jackson couldnt help but make some guarantees. In the spirit of Namath and more recently, Rasheed Wallace, Jackson came to the press the morning of a big playoff game and proclaimed some promises.
With the press swarming, Jackson stepped up to the podium after Baron Davis and immediatly lit up with a cocky swagger. "We dont need to field questions today, all I got to say is, someones not leaving the court tonight. Im putting down the hammer, Stephen Jackson style. It could be the announcers, it could be the fans, it could be Deron Williams, or hell, it could be Jason Richardson. That snitch has it coming." Jackson than made a throat slashing gesture and walked off, his friend and teammate Howie Hughes, blared Easy-E from a circa 1992 boombox as they exited. The whole scene was...intimidating.
With the press swarming, Jackson stepped up to the podium after Baron Davis and immediatly lit up with a cocky swagger. "We dont need to field questions today, all I got to say is, someones not leaving the court tonight. Im putting down the hammer, Stephen Jackson style. It could be the announcers, it could be the fans, it could be Deron Williams, or hell, it could be Jason Richardson. That snitch has it coming." Jackson than made a throat slashing gesture and walked off, his friend and teammate Howie Hughes, blared Easy-E from a circa 1992 boombox as they exited. The whole scene was...intimidating.
Petrino Agrees Vick Could Do Worse
Michael Vicks latest foray into the world of crime and seediness has left many NFL analysts ready for the kill. Sure, Chris Berman probably DOES make sexist and bizarre statements to women, and yes, Shaun Salisbury IS, a month or two away from having his "hole-in-the basement" getup discovered by local authorities. None of this matters though, they see the story and they cant help but touch it.
Anyways, during yet another interrogation regarding Vicks character today, new coach Bobby Petrino seemed apathetic and generally unconcerned. "So Michael likes to let dogs fight...big deal. I heard Chris Simms was doing the same thing with peacocks last week and I dont see any breaking news on that. What does that tell you about SIMM'S character? Pussy." Petrino than threw up the westside gangsta sign and walked off.
We dont quite no if dog-fighting is the new UFC, but we have to admit, it certainly doesent detract from Vick as a cold-blooded athlete in our eyes. If the man is eager to watch two vicious animals do battle to the death, something tells me Julius Peppers doesent even phase him.
Anyways, during yet another interrogation regarding Vicks character today, new coach Bobby Petrino seemed apathetic and generally unconcerned. "So Michael likes to let dogs fight...big deal. I heard Chris Simms was doing the same thing with peacocks last week and I dont see any breaking news on that. What does that tell you about SIMM'S character? Pussy." Petrino than threw up the westside gangsta sign and walked off.
We dont quite no if dog-fighting is the new UFC, but we have to admit, it certainly doesent detract from Vick as a cold-blooded athlete in our eyes. If the man is eager to watch two vicious animals do battle to the death, something tells me Julius Peppers doesent even phase him.
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